Heck I feel like a TRAITOR

There I said it! By signing up to weight watchers  I feel as if  I am leaving behind my tribe.  WTF  crazy mind! What the heck is going on?

Oh yeah this is my eating disorder chatting with me. Letting me know I am right here!  Who are you to try to do things differently.

If I take a look at the 12 steps, I am reminded that my abstinence and food plan are two very separate things.

My bottom line abstinence is honesty. My abstinent behaviors includes no binge, no purging, no diet pills, no diuretics, no laxatives, no diet foods/fat free, artificial sweeteners.  I know fun times.

There are no RED/YELLOW/GREEN foods. Just a balance of 3 meals and a floating snack. That’s it. Simple. Easy. The moment I say I can’t have this food, the triggers goes off and I binge on it.

Each person has their own food plan and how it works for them.  Perhaps for me this may be the loving gentle model where I can practice living an abundant life.  Outside help is not prohibited quite the opposite it is encourage. In my experience, traditional nutritionist don’t work for me. I worked with a Holistic Nutritionist who taught me life beyond diet foods and calories.  I learned how to eat real food and much of the current foundation that I have is based from this experience.

I knew that within me I needed more structure. I needed the flexibility to make nourishing choices yet having the community and accountability of the weight loss in place. It doesn’t mean that I am now on a “diet”  until I fall off from it. Nope, it just means for today I choose to go back to a loving structure that allows me to live.

Asking others for Approval(?)

This idea about returning to weight watchers have been lingering for about a couple of months. I finally was honest with a close program friend about it. We identify what I was craving and it helped me identify that this was the next right step for me.

Yet, as I emailed my loving action plan partner my decision, fear sinked in what if she doesn’t approve? What if I am breaking my 12 step rule program (that I created in my head)?  Hmm yeah just fear yet again. Her reply back was “oh that’s great, thats the plan I go back to whenever my food is off.” Thank you Universe!  

Meeting 

My weight in came and went, the number was high but there is a core belief that it will change. I attended my first meeting back and it was like returning home. I heard what I needed to hear.  I was reminded of the importance of tracking/ food plan/journaling (a practice that I did for 4 years and kept my weight at stable place). I found that my mindset after 5 years of concentrated recovery is that I am no longer looking for the shortcuts. I am ready to be committed for a long-term lifestyle change.

 

 

Thirsty Thursday

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  • http://www.alisonleipzig.com Alison Leipzig

    Laura!! This is so absolutely divine. You know I am in the exact same boat as you are and this process of coming back to structure is a mind fuck for sure. An exercise plan or a community that supports weight loss is not the issue, it’s our minds. And girl, we have shifted our minds are we are READY.

    Keep at it, I’m proud of you.

    • lryamin

      I know! Seriously the mindfuck is something. Thank goodness for the support system in place and that I know I have a choice. I can take actions for today that are loving, nourishing and abundant.