I am on day 18 of an imperfect “Good Orderly Directions” Action Plan. I admit it I have been coasting when it comes to recovery for the past couple of years. I got caught up in learning how to live life like a normal person. I have occupied my time going back to school, learning new tools and approaches to living. Although the past couple of years have been full of peak experiences that I have no regrets trying.
19 days ago I had what I considered a “Spiritual Awakening”/Divine Intervention. I honestly shared with another fellow that I have been staying small I am still holding on the belief that I am not going to have physical recovery as part of my journey. I still believe that what is holding me back from falling in love, from earning 6k or more, from taking risks is my current relationship with my body. No matter what I do it is not good enough because I am not skinny enough to provide it. I continue to doubt myself whether I belong or not, whether I deserve love or not.
Despite 4 years of abstinence, I still play with fire by continuing the old pattern of deprivation/restriction (food, experiences, things that I need/want) and then I overindulge (better known as a case of the fuck its). How this shows up is in my food not as a binge but borderline. I go back to the diet foods, the rules, to the things that makes my life small then I get angry about it. This explains my money relationship which is a nice mirror to my food relationship. Also when it comes to relationships, I avoid dating the type of guy I am attracted out of fear I am not good enough/skinny enough. Yes how I act in one area of my life can easily be applied to all other areas of my life for sure.
Good Orderly Direction Action Plan follows addressed the following areas: my Physical Recovery (Body and Beauty), Relationships (Family, Friendships and Romance) and Emotional well-being (How I am going to feel) with underlying spiritual principles as a foundation.
What it looks like in my daily life is the following action/areas:
- Getting honest with my food and then sharing with another fellow for accountability
- Exercising 5-6 days a week for one hour for sanity purpose. I work a desk job therefore having consistent movement makes a difference in my mood, sleeping through the night and just feeling good.
- Owning my beauty by taking care of what I wear, putting on makeup, and experimenting with my hair
- Daily Spotcheck Inventory aka Written 10th Step
- Prayer and Meditation practice from self-love affirmations, to time on the barre (I meditate when I exercise), getting back to my regular prayer partner schedule. Bringing spirituality into my daily practice reminds me I can be restored to sanity
- Weekly non-food related indulgences whether is a new outfit or a new hair/face/personal self-care product. This are the things that I deprive myself from getting because I believe I don’t deserve them
- Spending time with friends. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to spend time with friends and other healthy relationships in my life.
- Attend more 12 step meetings (in both fellowships) and say Yes to serve as speaker.
- Go on dates for real this time. I am sorting through Okcupid and I have to remind myself that this is like Loehman’s you have to sort through a lot of don’t for me before finding the right dress or treasure. Thank you Mama Gena for that analogy
It seems like a lot of things do yet I am keeping it simple. Some actions are daily 2 minute actions while others just require mindfulness from my part. I may break each one down through this month and how I apply it into my life.
Like I shared yesterday, a lot of the actions above I ended up identifying them 2 years ago when I participated with Magical Manifesters. I didn’t realized that what was missing was the willingness to just take action.
Question: Have you created awesome goals full of action steps yet finding yourself stuck doing the same action yet expecting different results? In what ways, have you overcome your own upper limit?