It’s been a while since I have worked consistently with someone regarding my eating disorder and some of the crazyness in my head. For the past year, I have experienced peak experience where I loved myself and I allowed others to be part of this experience. Yet I put my recovery in the backburner.
How did it looked like?
- I stopped going to meetings on a consistent basis
- I stopped emailing my food plan and journal to another fellow for sanity and accountability
- I engaged an almost yearlong relationship with the Dunkin’ Donuts muffin (thank goodness for some building issues that push to close the DD nearby my house)
- I allowed myself more comfort foods because nobody was watching
- I slowly gained a few pounds and stopped working out on a consistent basis
- I placed my focus on school, building a business, trying a new things to see which one I like
- Being depressed
- Hitting a money bottom
- Focusing on my money issues because the pain was stronger than I care to admit
- I stopped loving myself
- I stopped trying to practice daily self-care action because I have too much going on
- Body Image issues were a constant
- The running thought in my head “I am not good enough,” “I am too fat to be in love, to do xyz“ and “I don’t belong“
Guess what! I have no regrets over any of the experiences above. I needed to go through new bottoms. I needed to make new mistakes, I need to “fail.” I need to shed those tears and hit those bottoms to discover that I am truly resilient.
Did I break my bottom line abstinence? Nope. Was it messy? You bet it was.
Yet as I went through this period, I gained a new set of tools, I had powerful discoveries and epiphanies and I realized that I am ok knowing very little of what path should be. New teachers showed up in my life. New belief systems and experiences were incorporated over the past 9 months. And a seed was planted that I could live a very differently life right now.
Here I am in a new place in my own recovery. I am taking Good Orderly Directions when it comes to my physical recovery which is a first in about 2 years. I am taking a conscious effort when it comes to breaking my own personal upper limit.
I am excited to slowly share this process. What is my upper limit? What actions am I taking in following this intention? What aha moments would I learn in this new journey? I leave you now that I have 8 days of an imperfect new journey.