As I talked to a friend yesterday after publishing my post about HLS12. Getting to the point of brutally honesty is yet another vulnerable action I get to take against my eating disorder. It means I choose to feel the feelings, the uncomfortability, my own anger and fear. I get to give voice the running commentary that lives in my head. As I allow to give voice to it, it’s power over me continues to diminish.
Here I was going through the HLS hangover that was more like a torture session in my head. Let me tell you, the amount of mental self-beating that I can do is similar to a torture chambers. It all started as a insidious small resentments about I should have known better. Then it was well I certainly don’t belong into this community. Then it was the I should know better why am I feeling these feelings. My thoughts can be just as toxic as a sugar binge or a major purging. The way I speak myself not only hurt me but others around me. Guess what as I speak up about it, I learn more and more that I am not alone. Insanity!
As I was chatting with my friend, she reminded me over and over to LOVE. Just love yourself where you are. You are at the perfect spot. Being honest, vulnerable and practicing a radical dose of self-love it is not for sissies. This is the bravest thing I can do for myself. I know I have a wise support system in place who are very quick to right size my thoughts and most importantly can reflect the love that they have for me and hold space until I love myself.
For today, I choose to receive the love that is coming my way. I appreciate your messages of support and identification. Most importantly, I get to treat myself as best as I can in the most loving way. Ironically it means practicing compassion to my inner critic. Acceptance that I am going to be feeling uncomfortable and if I stop resisting it will be less painful.